Maternity Photos

A little late...however, I'm so excited to have these. Marielle Hayes took amazing pictures of me at 36 weeks!!! I didn't get the chance with my last pregnancy to do maternity pictures because it ended so quickly. If you notice my necklace it means the world to me. Brian bought it for me for Mother's Day, it has 2 October birthstones (for the girls), and a little boy's shoe in honor of Ryder.

Charlotte's birth was so bitter-sweet. Brian and I agreed to have 2 children prior to marriage, and with the birth of the twins we thought we had hit the jackpot!! We didn't know that Ryder's fate was not meant to be here on earth with us at the time. I truly believe that if it wasn't for his death our perfect little princess would not be here with us today. I rejoiced and mourned with her birth, but today I am without words as to the level of happiness she has brought to my life.

As I write this Charlotte is officially 4 weeks old. I can't believe that I was pregnant for 38 weeks and 5 days, and now my precious baby is here and already a month old. I need to take the time and write about her birth, but right now I'm just excited to share these photos of the magical time of my pregnancy!

a BabyGirl Update...

I'm writing today with a more positive outlook, a happy heart, and a stress level that has gone down to a 3 versus a 10!!! That in itself is something to be excited about!!!

Have I mentioned that my husband is out of town this week in Las Vegas, in a class that is non-refundable (and the cost was enormous), plus a hotel room, plus a rental car...which equals I'm on my own....I guess I will add that my mom is here in the event something happens :-) That alone was enough to send any sane human being over the edge in a time of worry, let alone a time of crisis. After my appointment with Dr. Klaich yesterday I am much more confident that there will be no baby in his absence!!!

So...on with the update. Dr. Oki is my Perinatologist, and he might just be the nicest human being on this planet. We have spent 3 days a week with this incredible man for the past 3 weeks, and yesteday I got to go back to my regular OB, Dr. Klaich. Dr. Oki and Klaich spoke extensively about my current condition, and are each going to see me once a week to monitor the baby.

IUGR causes stillbirth, and Klaich told me that he is extremely confident that with monitoring of the baby 2 times per week we will be able to avoid any instance of stillbirth because they will be able to see it in the monitoring. From what I understand they are able to predict the instance of stillbirth based on Non-Stress tests...crazy technology. I will be seeing Klaich every Tuesday and Oki every Friday. Klaich will be monitoring me, and Oki will be monitoring me plus doing growth and umbilical dopplers to assess the bloodflow from the placenta.

I have my next doppler reading on Friday, at that appointment we will be able to see if the bloodflow into the umbilical cord has completely stopped, or if its just attempting to. If its stopped we go to the hospital, if it hasn't we go on with life on the left side and that lovely 70 grams of protein a day!

Right now I continue to be appointment to appointment because there is really no reversing what has already been done, but if we can make it to 36 weeks (only 4 weeks away) they are going to take the baby then. This just happens to fall the same week as London's birthday. How ironic is it that regardless of due dates we will have babies which were conceived on the exact same day, 3 years apart, born at the same time. **Irony at its best**

Until next time...

Holy Cow...A Blog Post

It has not just been a while, it has been years since I posted a new post, however at 2:15 am with the inability to sleep I feel that I must just update everyone on this crazy thing we call life.

I sit here 30 weeks and 3 days pregnant with our 3rd baby only to realize that at this time of my last pregnancy I was 2 hours into the grieving process of losing Ryder, and holding onto hope that London would pull through it all. I have rarely spoken about the night of Ryder's actual death to anyone other than my counselor and Brian.

I left the hospital after he died about an hour after I held him for the first and last time to go home to tell everyone what had just happened. As I look at the clock now I realize that I was on my way back to check in to go and take pictures with London just in case she didn't make it through the night too. I remember telling Brian "no tears, I want these to be happy pictures." I look back at the pictures and think, these were not happy pictures, these were the "get the job done" pictures...I just laugh to myself now. It's amazing how much time heals all wounds, but has a great way of opening up new ones in places you never thought possible.

BabyGirl has been through an incomprehensible amount of testing, poking and prodding in the past few weeks. She has asymmetric intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR). We found this out last week at my regular perinatologist appointment. At the time my doctor told me that we would just monitor her though non stress tests, and continue to check her weight. Her stomach isn't growing as it should be, which tells them she is not getting the nutrients that she needs, and her liver is falling behind in growth. At her appointment she was only 2 pounds 9 ounces (exactly what Ryder weighed at birth) and in the 8th percentile...anything under the 10th percentile is considered IUGR.

If her exact weight wasn't hard enough for me to swallow last Tuesday morning, we learned today that there is not a constant supply of blood going from her placenta to her umbilical cord where she is receiving her nutrients. In so many terms when her heart beats it pushes blood through, but when it contracts the bloodflow almost stops. The Dr. told me that we aren't alarmed yet, however when (when I ask...yes when) the bloodflow stops on the contraction part of the heartbeat he will then hospitalize me. This most likely leads to the blood actually flowing backwards on the contraction of the heart, at which time they will take the baby within 3-5 days.

I'm not exactly sure what to think, say or do...all that I know is that I am incapable of talking about it, so here it is for the world to see and read about :-) So...I will go back to hanging out on my left side, counting kicks every 3 hours, and eat 70 grams of protein a day...yes 70 grams. So if any of you have some creative ideas on how to get 70 grams a day into a diet without wanting to puke by the end of the day I'm all ears!!!

Until next time!!!

Hilarious

The girls were jumping on the trampoline and London was screaming with delight/she was freaked out...we weren't sure which one so we just laughed...Enjoy this video!

So...does London resemble her dad much???

Mother's Day...

So...I have been a complete blogger-slacker! I got a Facebook account, and I forget that I have a blog that people read as well. Well, London is officially 7 months old! I cannot believe how the time has flown, and that it has been so long since our world turned upside down.

I celebrated my first Mother's Day...the most bitter-sweet day of my life. No one should have to spend their Mother's Day at the graveside of their son, or daughter for that matter!

Ryder's headstone was set on the Thursday before, and it is beautiful! It is everything and more than we expected it would be. It was a hard and crushing realization that he truly isn't ever coming back, and we actually buried our son. When his headstone wasn't there you could almost live in a state of denial that you were visiting someone else's child. The harsh reality is that we visit our child....it says so now...

We spent Sunday in Winnemucca with my mom...She decided that London needed to experience a creme pouf! UUUGGGGHHHH, it was adorable, but I guess that's what Grandma's get to do, give them a tummy ache and send them on a 2 hour car ride! I can't wait to be a Grandma!!

Let's Walk....

Please walk with London, Brian and myself on April 25th and donate to the March of Dimes, and in remembrance of our precious Ryder James. I have set a reasonable goal of $500, which I know we can meet.

Please visit our team website in honor of Ryder and become a part of our team! We can't wait to see you there!

http://www.marchforbabies.org/teams/707669

Las Vegas

We went to Las Vegas to visit Trevor and Calee, but also just to get out of the house for a weekend, while Brian went to a conference for Local Ad Link. The kids and I spent the day at the pool (which mind you, I had to come to the sad realization, that a cover-up and tankini are now a part of my beach garb...no more cute bikini with my cute flat tummy, and curvaceous rear...its just another mere realization that I have become a mother, with a shapely body, that is in desperate need of a gym and the lack of Coke), I didn't take as many pictures as I would have liked because, having an infant at the pool does not call for camera time...It's constant "Mommy pay attention to me" time!!

I had to get London a "rash guard" instead of a cute swimming suit to go "whimming with da fishies" because her skin is so fair! All in all, I still think she's pretty stinking cute!!

I love the look on the boy's (Brian's and Chandler's) in these pictures.

A BIG Day

London officially can wear 3-6 month's clothing...A sad day for me, I have come to the realization that my 2 pound baby is growing up!!

Cute London Photos

Lola has been a little jealous since London came home...so I allowed her to snuggle with London. Although, she still pretty much hates her!

Rice Cereal...I'm over it...Food is overrated!!! My daughter has no use for it!

I got the brilliant idea to put London in the shower with her Daddy....cute huh??? Well that was until I looked at her and her arms and legs were completely purple, and she stopped breathing. Yup, that is right, she held her breath in the shower, it was a little scary. We will stick to "wimming with da fishies" in the bathietub!

And then there's the Bumbo...she is getting better, but this picture is hilarious. I shouldn't make fun of my daughter, but come on, this is the funniest baby photo ever!

London Laughs!

It's true! Her five month birthday, proved to us that she is a little giggler!!!

**Light A Candle In Remembrance**

So some days I have really bad days and I decide to do things like watch YouTUBE videos to make myself feel better about people who have also lost a child. This some days helps me to realize that I am not the only one out there who is suffering from this pain.

I started seeing a grief counselor and she told me that I was doing terrific, and validated my feelings of sometimes hating other pregnant women. I'm not talking pregnant women who have the means necessary to raise a child, whether it be monetarily or emotionally. I hate the young girls who are just able to get pregnant on a whim after their rendezvous with their boyfriends in the front seat of his mustang. Or the young girls in their 20's not married, 4 kids already, with no means to support the next one. Or what about the ones you see smoking while pregnant? Or even better, when you are driving down the road, and you peer over to the person next to you...they are smoking, with 3 children in car seats in the back, and the windows rolled up?

I never used to think twice while driving past the abortion clinic, looking at the protesters waving their signs saying "Support Life." Oh, I thought, it should be a woman's right to choose...or should it? The other night I felt inclined to get out of my car and light a candle with all of the other people there. How is it that there are so many unwanted children in this world, but their mother's are so selfish they will not give them to the one's who can take care of them? How is it that some let abuse happen at the hands of other men in their homes, and choose to do nothing about it because they are selfish?

I have to constantly question how it is that I ate everything perfectly, I never would even go into a casino where there would be smoking, I was married, we wanted our baby and the Lord took him, but yet he allows other women the ability to continue to produce them like a baby factory, and he takes that pleasure of motherhood away from some, and some he just never gives it to.

How is it that our insurance paid over $250,000 for London to be brought into this world, and a fraction of that we have to pay ($5,000), yet these women of baby factories can take our tax dollars and receive free medical care...and I still have to pay for that? Did you know that we still had to pay about $2000 for Ryder, and he's not even here anymore, plus I had to take our COBRA package to the tune of $900 a month, just so insurance would pay a portion of that $250,000, but yet everyday that I didn't re-up my COBRA plan the business office was screaming down my throat because I would have been held liable for the portion after my insurance policy terminated!

Am I on a soap box or what....I really started this post to tell you about a memorial site that I created for Ryder. Visit www.gonetoosoon.org and you can search for him by Ryder Williams or look in Reno, Nevada...searching in Reno seems to be the easiest way to find him! I would love to hear what you think about this all, and maybe in a couple of days I will continue on my soap box...right now I need to go get in the shower!

Happy Valentine's Day

AHHHHHH....She SMILES!!!!!!

So...

On Wednesday this week, I finally did it. I got up the strength to order Ryder's headstone. I hadn't done it yet because I knew that it was the last thing to do. I felt it appropriate as I took him his monthly balloons, on their "birthday" to finally get it done.

I was finally ready to do it. I hadn't done it previously because it was the last thing to do, other than write my thank you notes (sorry guys, I just haven't had it in me to do it, please know that I thank you!!)

So we walked in, "no tears" I promised myself, this is a happy time, a time of remembrance. Sister Ophelia remembered us, and she couldn't wait to pick up London from her car seat and parade her around the office.

As I sat with Brian, "no tears," I looked through the books to find just the perfect memorial for my perfect little man! How would I ever find the perfect thing, nothing is ever perfect...until I turned to page C-408. A headstone with 3 balloons...3 balloons, how juvenile, yet how incredibly perfect. I laughed as the date on the picture said December 1983. Ironic, that is my birthday.

Ryder's "It's a Boy" balloon lasted over 7 weeks in the corner of our bedroom, we take him balloons every month on his birthday, one white balloon to send him, and a blue balloon for each month, this month it was 4! How fitting to have balloons.

I can't wait to post a picture of it, but it says:

"Our Perfect Son"
Ryder James Williams
October 4-5, 2008
"Mommy, Daddy, and London Love You!"

We debated over and over again how to write the last line, I wasn't budging on Mommy and Daddy, and I really felt that I needed to tie in London, as she was...still is, his twin, but how to do it without the other kids? We didn't have enough room, so after a prayer, we felt that the other kids would understand the special link...I hope! We will explain it to them when it gets here.

Here is a video that I have been working on, it isn't done, I have tons more to add to the beginning, but I hope that you enjoy it so far!

Make sure your sound is on!

London's First Walk

So I took London on her first walk...well, it was only around the block to get the mail, but either way...it was still fun!!!

Look at this Cute Bug!

London is my little Love Bug!!! Is this not the cutest face you have ever seen?

Babies are 3 Months Old

How does one explain the feelings that I feel everyday? How do you explain how it feels to look at a month go by with your baby here and celebrate, and mourn each day as well? What would he be doing? How would he react? How in the world would I take care of two babies, one is so hard!

When does it get easier? When do I stop questioning everything, and accept that our Heavenly Father took our little miracle for a reason? When do I stop being angry and just accept that I wasn't meant to have him on Earth? I was used in the Lord's plan, yet I feel so selfish because I am the one who wanted him!

The babies turned 3 months yesterday, and it has been 3 months today since our baby boy left us.

Dear Mommy,

I know how much you love me, And I know how much you care. I know you are still wishing that I were still there. I know this day is hard for you, And I know you will probally cry, And God knows your hurting too, he understands just why, for he gave his son, so I could be an angel in the sky. I wish I could be there to wipe away your tears. But I am up here with Jesus now. And in some future year, we will all be together, and there will be no more tears. And we will get to know each other just like we wanted to. But for now, just know I love you. And Jesus loves you too. My Father here in Heaven wathces over me for you.

I love you little man!!!

Candle Lighting

Hi Guys!!

I was reading my cousin's blog, and my other cousin had found a website in support of her for people who have had children pass on at any age. This year there is a candle lighting ceremony to be held on Saturday, December 14th. The goal is to light a beautiful candle in memory of the person/person's lost at 7:00 pm (local time) to create a wave of white light that can be viewd from heaven. Check out the site: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/News_Events/Worldwide_Candle_Lighting.aspx

I am mustering up the strength to write about my beautiful baby boy and I think that this may just get the ball rolling. So, if you wouldn't mind, just light a candle in honor of Ryder James and Brenda.

Last night, actually this morning, at 3:30 I was changing London's diaper when I peered into the corner at Ryder's balloon.

Let me back up...Shanna, Will, and kids brought us an "It's a Girl," and "It's a Boy," balloon on the night that the babies were born, London's balloon went down in a flash, but Ryder's is still full of helium and floating in the corner of our room....Ironic or what?

So, it's my little reminder of him and I kiss it all the time and actually talk to it. Some might call me crazy, and well if you saw me talking to a balloon you might feel the same way, but it is my little piece of sanity to know that he is floating around and watching over us as we sleep, and laugh at me as I do silly things like shake a bottle without a lid on it at 4:00 in the morning.

Okay, back to my story...I peered into the corner to see a little boy in the corner with his balloon. As I realized that it was Ryder, London began to smile and almost giggle. I actually woke Brian up to tell him that Ryder was in our room, I think he thought I was crazy, or maybe he thought he was dreaming...either way I know what I saw. (Note: I am typing super fast because I am so excited to tell this story). As London nursed she kept choking and giggling. She hasn't laughed, she hasn't ever even smiled more that just gas, and here she is giggling. Ryder, I have determined is a little prankster, and he thought it was funny to play with his sister and keep his mommy up all night!!!

Anyways, I think about that little man all the time...I cry all the time, and some may say, "She looks so strong." And I just reply, "If only you knew."

Please light a candle for one hour on Saturday, maybe even send me a picture of it lit so that I can post how many people love him, and put it in a scrapbook for London! I would love it, and it would mean so much!

London's 2 Months!!

First and foremost, please say a prayer for my cousin Brenda, who passed away last night from leukemia. She passed on exactly 2 months from the day Ryder did and almost to the same hour. She passed at 9:55 and he parsed at 11:45, I am confident that she is with him and taking care of him until I can get there.

On a lighter note, London turned 2 months on Thursday, and she is the cutest bug that I have ever seen!!!

A Few London Photos

Since Brian is playing with the baby, I thought that I would post a couple London pictures from today.

She had to have another eye test done today (the joys of having a premature baby). They had to put retractors in her eyes and swab them, then look to make sure that the vessels that connect to the retina are growing the way that they should be...and so far so good.

So I thought that for our first outing out of the house together today that I would get her all fancied up!

What do you think of my angel??!?!?!?

**Darby and Daddy Date Night**

So...I deserve the "Step-Mom of the Year Award"...NOT!!!!

On the 22nd the Father Daughter Ball was supposed to be Daddy and Darby date night, but I just thought like the silly individual that I am that they could just get tickets at the door. To my surprise however there were no tickets available and a waiting list a mile long the night before the dance.

I stressed to even tell Brian and let him bribe his way at the door, and act as though I didn't know. That wouldn't work, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself.
I put an ad on Craigslist thinking that someone may see it, and offered $100 stinking dollars for two tickets...No luck!

So, I broke the news to Brian, and he in turn had to break Darby's heart. I felt awful...so we compromised. Brian took Darby on a date to Bricks (NOTE: Brian and I have yet to go to Bricks together), and to a movie. So she got all dressed up in her Ball dress and I did her hair fancy, and off to dinner and a movie they went!

She felt like a princess and got some much needed Daddy-Darby time!

Welcome Home London

Ironically enough London made her grand debut in our driveway at 12:08 pm today...the same time that she was born 6 weeks and 4 days ago!!! Welcome home baby girl!!!