So...

On Wednesday this week, I finally did it. I got up the strength to order Ryder's headstone. I hadn't done it yet because I knew that it was the last thing to do. I felt it appropriate as I took him his monthly balloons, on their "birthday" to finally get it done.

I was finally ready to do it. I hadn't done it previously because it was the last thing to do, other than write my thank you notes (sorry guys, I just haven't had it in me to do it, please know that I thank you!!)

So we walked in, "no tears" I promised myself, this is a happy time, a time of remembrance. Sister Ophelia remembered us, and she couldn't wait to pick up London from her car seat and parade her around the office.

As I sat with Brian, "no tears," I looked through the books to find just the perfect memorial for my perfect little man! How would I ever find the perfect thing, nothing is ever perfect...until I turned to page C-408. A headstone with 3 balloons...3 balloons, how juvenile, yet how incredibly perfect. I laughed as the date on the picture said December 1983. Ironic, that is my birthday.

Ryder's "It's a Boy" balloon lasted over 7 weeks in the corner of our bedroom, we take him balloons every month on his birthday, one white balloon to send him, and a blue balloon for each month, this month it was 4! How fitting to have balloons.

I can't wait to post a picture of it, but it says:

"Our Perfect Son"
Ryder James Williams
October 4-5, 2008
"Mommy, Daddy, and London Love You!"

We debated over and over again how to write the last line, I wasn't budging on Mommy and Daddy, and I really felt that I needed to tie in London, as she was...still is, his twin, but how to do it without the other kids? We didn't have enough room, so after a prayer, we felt that the other kids would understand the special link...I hope! We will explain it to them when it gets here.

Here is a video that I have been working on, it isn't done, I have tons more to add to the beginning, but I hope that you enjoy it so far!

Make sure your sound is on!

London's First Walk

So I took London on her first walk...well, it was only around the block to get the mail, but either way...it was still fun!!!

Look at this Cute Bug!

London is my little Love Bug!!! Is this not the cutest face you have ever seen?

Babies are 3 Months Old

How does one explain the feelings that I feel everyday? How do you explain how it feels to look at a month go by with your baby here and celebrate, and mourn each day as well? What would he be doing? How would he react? How in the world would I take care of two babies, one is so hard!

When does it get easier? When do I stop questioning everything, and accept that our Heavenly Father took our little miracle for a reason? When do I stop being angry and just accept that I wasn't meant to have him on Earth? I was used in the Lord's plan, yet I feel so selfish because I am the one who wanted him!

The babies turned 3 months yesterday, and it has been 3 months today since our baby boy left us.

Dear Mommy,

I know how much you love me, And I know how much you care. I know you are still wishing that I were still there. I know this day is hard for you, And I know you will probally cry, And God knows your hurting too, he understands just why, for he gave his son, so I could be an angel in the sky. I wish I could be there to wipe away your tears. But I am up here with Jesus now. And in some future year, we will all be together, and there will be no more tears. And we will get to know each other just like we wanted to. But for now, just know I love you. And Jesus loves you too. My Father here in Heaven wathces over me for you.

I love you little man!!!

Candle Lighting

Hi Guys!!

I was reading my cousin's blog, and my other cousin had found a website in support of her for people who have had children pass on at any age. This year there is a candle lighting ceremony to be held on Saturday, December 14th. The goal is to light a beautiful candle in memory of the person/person's lost at 7:00 pm (local time) to create a wave of white light that can be viewd from heaven. Check out the site: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/News_Events/Worldwide_Candle_Lighting.aspx

I am mustering up the strength to write about my beautiful baby boy and I think that this may just get the ball rolling. So, if you wouldn't mind, just light a candle in honor of Ryder James and Brenda.

Last night, actually this morning, at 3:30 I was changing London's diaper when I peered into the corner at Ryder's balloon.

Let me back up...Shanna, Will, and kids brought us an "It's a Girl," and "It's a Boy," balloon on the night that the babies were born, London's balloon went down in a flash, but Ryder's is still full of helium and floating in the corner of our room....Ironic or what?

So, it's my little reminder of him and I kiss it all the time and actually talk to it. Some might call me crazy, and well if you saw me talking to a balloon you might feel the same way, but it is my little piece of sanity to know that he is floating around and watching over us as we sleep, and laugh at me as I do silly things like shake a bottle without a lid on it at 4:00 in the morning.

Okay, back to my story...I peered into the corner to see a little boy in the corner with his balloon. As I realized that it was Ryder, London began to smile and almost giggle. I actually woke Brian up to tell him that Ryder was in our room, I think he thought I was crazy, or maybe he thought he was dreaming...either way I know what I saw. (Note: I am typing super fast because I am so excited to tell this story). As London nursed she kept choking and giggling. She hasn't laughed, she hasn't ever even smiled more that just gas, and here she is giggling. Ryder, I have determined is a little prankster, and he thought it was funny to play with his sister and keep his mommy up all night!!!

Anyways, I think about that little man all the time...I cry all the time, and some may say, "She looks so strong." And I just reply, "If only you knew."

Please light a candle for one hour on Saturday, maybe even send me a picture of it lit so that I can post how many people love him, and put it in a scrapbook for London! I would love it, and it would mean so much!

London's 2 Months!!

First and foremost, please say a prayer for my cousin Brenda, who passed away last night from leukemia. She passed on exactly 2 months from the day Ryder did and almost to the same hour. She passed at 9:55 and he parsed at 11:45, I am confident that she is with him and taking care of him until I can get there.

On a lighter note, London turned 2 months on Thursday, and she is the cutest bug that I have ever seen!!!

A Few London Photos

Since Brian is playing with the baby, I thought that I would post a couple London pictures from today.

She had to have another eye test done today (the joys of having a premature baby). They had to put retractors in her eyes and swab them, then look to make sure that the vessels that connect to the retina are growing the way that they should be...and so far so good.

So I thought that for our first outing out of the house together today that I would get her all fancied up!

What do you think of my angel??!?!?!?

**Darby and Daddy Date Night**

So...I deserve the "Step-Mom of the Year Award"...NOT!!!!

On the 22nd the Father Daughter Ball was supposed to be Daddy and Darby date night, but I just thought like the silly individual that I am that they could just get tickets at the door. To my surprise however there were no tickets available and a waiting list a mile long the night before the dance.

I stressed to even tell Brian and let him bribe his way at the door, and act as though I didn't know. That wouldn't work, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself.
I put an ad on Craigslist thinking that someone may see it, and offered $100 stinking dollars for two tickets...No luck!

So, I broke the news to Brian, and he in turn had to break Darby's heart. I felt awful...so we compromised. Brian took Darby on a date to Bricks (NOTE: Brian and I have yet to go to Bricks together), and to a movie. So she got all dressed up in her Ball dress and I did her hair fancy, and off to dinner and a movie they went!

She felt like a princess and got some much needed Daddy-Darby time!

Welcome Home London

Ironically enough London made her grand debut in our driveway at 12:08 pm today...the same time that she was born 6 weeks and 4 days ago!!! Welcome home baby girl!!!

London is Coming Home!!!

We have great news...London gets to come home on Wednesday!!!

If all goes well (she continues to eat all of her bottles), we will have a new baby keeping us awake all night long in just a few days. She passed her carseat test today, 4 pounds 4 1/2 ounces is totally adorable all snuggled up in a carseat.

She is also eating 40 cc's every 3 hours, she just has to keep it up. Tomorrow night we are scheduled to "room-in" with her at the hospital, just like we would after having a term baby. Then I actually get to prance out of the hospital with her.

Can you believe how much she has grown?!?!?!?!?

This is her new "big girl" bed...I decorated it :-)

For Halloween London was a Ghost!

She is so cute after her baths!

She loves to be naked!

If only feeding her was as easy as it looks!

This was her carseat challenge today!

London's First Bath

So, bathing a 2 pound 14 ounce baby was not exactly an easy task. Her nurse taught me how to do it last night, but I am a little scared. I freaked out because they had to take all of her leads off of her in order to do it, and I was completely convinced that she was going to BRADY (when her brain forgets to tell her heart to continue to beat), and she was going to SAT (her oxygen saturation drops below 85%)...see you learn something on my blog :-) But she didn't, and it went as smooth as pie!!!

So...Daddy held her oxygen by her face, and Mommy got to listen to the wonderful nurse, so that next time I can do it all on my own!

It was Daddy's turn to hold her last night and she was wide awake and making lots of fun faces for him!!!

New London Pictures

I know that some of you know of our recent news, but for the few of you who do not know...

On October 4th I went into labor around 1 in the morning. I was sound asleep and thought that I had wet my pants since I had such a weak bladder during pregnancy, then it happened again around 2:30, and again around 4:30 only then did I realize that my water had broken. We rushed to the hospital, and they tried everything to stop my labor, but with no luck London Helene and Ryder James were born at 12:08 and 12:09 pm.

London was born first weighing in at 2 lbs 6 oz and Ryder second at 2 lbs 9 oz.Ryder left us on October 5th at 11:45, after only 34 short hours, and London is still in the NICU at Saint Mary's.

Ryder's services were on Tuesday, and were absolutely beautiful, and we feel so blessed that he was in our lives for even such a short time. I was blessed to give him what he needed to progress on, and he will be forever loved and missed everytime I see another little boy. London is our strength through this all, and we get to see him grow inside of her everyday.

Please keep her in your prayers, and we pray she will be home with us in only 8 more weeks. Here are a few pictures of my little angel!!