So some days I have really bad days and I decide to do things like watch YouTUBE videos to make myself feel better about people who have also lost a child. This some days helps me to realize that I am not the only one out there who is suffering from this pain.
I started seeing a grief counselor and she told me that I was doing terrific, and validated my feelings of sometimes hating other pregnant women. I'm not talking pregnant women who have the means necessary to raise a child, whether it be monetarily or emotionally. I hate the young girls who are just able to get pregnant on a whim after their rendezvous with their boyfriends in the front seat of his mustang. Or the young girls in their 20's not married, 4 kids already, with no means to support the next one. Or what about the ones you see smoking while pregnant? Or even better, when you are driving down the road, and you peer over to the person next to you...they are smoking, with 3 children in car seats in the back, and the windows rolled up?
I never used to think twice while driving past the abortion clinic, looking at the protesters waving their signs saying "Support Life." Oh, I thought, it should be a woman's right to choose...or should it? The other night I felt inclined to get out of my car and light a candle with all of the other people there. How is it that there are so many unwanted children in this world, but their mother's are so selfish they will not give them to the one's who can take care of them? How is it that some let abuse happen at the hands of other men in their homes, and choose to do nothing about it because they are selfish?
I have to constantly question how it is that I ate everything perfectly, I never would even go into a casino where there would be smoking, I was married, we wanted our baby and the Lord took him, but yet he allows other women the ability to continue to produce them like a baby factory, and he takes that pleasure of motherhood away from some, and some he just never gives it to.
How is it that our insurance paid over $250,000 for London to be brought into this world, and a fraction of that we have to pay ($5,000), yet these women of baby factories can take our tax dollars and receive free medical care...and I still have to pay for that? Did you know that we still had to pay about $2000 for Ryder, and he's not even here anymore, plus I had to take our COBRA package to the tune of $900 a month, just so insurance would pay a portion of that $250,000, but yet everyday that I didn't re-up my COBRA plan the business office was screaming down my throat because I would have been held liable for the portion after my insurance policy terminated!
Am I on a soap box or what....I really started this post to tell you about a memorial site that I created for Ryder. Visit www.gonetoosoon.org and you can search for him by Ryder Williams or look in Reno, Nevada...searching in Reno seems to be the easiest way to find him! I would love to hear what you think about this all, and maybe in a couple of days I will continue on my soap box...right now I need to go get in the shower!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
So...
On Wednesday this week, I finally did it. I got up the strength to order Ryder's headstone. I hadn't done it yet because I knew that it was the last thing to do. I felt it appropriate as I took him his monthly balloons, on their "birthday" to finally get it done.
I was finally ready to do it. I hadn't done it previously because it was the last thing to do, other than write my thank you notes (sorry guys, I just haven't had it in me to do it, please know that I thank you!!)
So we walked in, "no tears" I promised myself, this is a happy time, a time of remembrance. Sister Ophelia remembered us, and she couldn't wait to pick up London from her car seat and parade her around the office.
As I sat with Brian, "no tears," I looked through the books to find just the perfect memorial for my perfect little man! How would I ever find the perfect thing, nothing is ever perfect...until I turned to page C-408. A headstone with 3 balloons...3 balloons, how juvenile, yet how incredibly perfect. I laughed as the date on the picture said December 1983. Ironic, that is my birthday.
Ryder's "It's a Boy" balloon lasted over 7 weeks in the corner of our bedroom, we take him balloons every month on his birthday, one white balloon to send him, and a blue balloon for each month, this month it was 4! How fitting to have balloons.
I can't wait to post a picture of it, but it says:
"Our Perfect Son"
Ryder James Williams
October 4-5, 2008
"Mommy, Daddy, and London Love You!"
We debated over and over again how to write the last line, I wasn't budging on Mommy and Daddy, and I really felt that I needed to tie in London, as she was...still is, his twin, but how to do it without the other kids? We didn't have enough room, so after a prayer, we felt that the other kids would understand the special link...I hope! We will explain it to them when it gets here.
Here is a video that I have been working on, it isn't done, I have tons more to add to the beginning, but I hope that you enjoy it so far!
Make sure your sound is on!
I was finally ready to do it. I hadn't done it previously because it was the last thing to do, other than write my thank you notes (sorry guys, I just haven't had it in me to do it, please know that I thank you!!)
So we walked in, "no tears" I promised myself, this is a happy time, a time of remembrance. Sister Ophelia remembered us, and she couldn't wait to pick up London from her car seat and parade her around the office.
As I sat with Brian, "no tears," I looked through the books to find just the perfect memorial for my perfect little man! How would I ever find the perfect thing, nothing is ever perfect...until I turned to page C-408. A headstone with 3 balloons...3 balloons, how juvenile, yet how incredibly perfect. I laughed as the date on the picture said December 1983. Ironic, that is my birthday.
Ryder's "It's a Boy" balloon lasted over 7 weeks in the corner of our bedroom, we take him balloons every month on his birthday, one white balloon to send him, and a blue balloon for each month, this month it was 4! How fitting to have balloons.
I can't wait to post a picture of it, but it says:
"Our Perfect Son"
Ryder James Williams
October 4-5, 2008
"Mommy, Daddy, and London Love You!"
We debated over and over again how to write the last line, I wasn't budging on Mommy and Daddy, and I really felt that I needed to tie in London, as she was...still is, his twin, but how to do it without the other kids? We didn't have enough room, so after a prayer, we felt that the other kids would understand the special link...I hope! We will explain it to them when it gets here.
Here is a video that I have been working on, it isn't done, I have tons more to add to the beginning, but I hope that you enjoy it so far!
Make sure your sound is on!
Monday, February 2, 2009
London's First Walk
So I took London on her first walk...well, it was only around the block to get the mail, but either way...it was still fun!!!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Look at this Cute Bug!
London is my little Love Bug!!! Is this not the cutest face you have ever seen?
Monday, January 5, 2009
Babies are 3 Months Old
How does one explain the feelings that I feel everyday? How do you explain how it feels to look at a month go by with your baby here and celebrate, and mourn each day as well? What would he be doing? How would he react? How in the world would I take care of two babies, one is so hard!
Dear Mommy,
I know how much you love me, And I know how much you care. I know you are still wishing that I were still there. I know this day is hard for you, And I know you will probally cry, And God knows your hurting too, he understands just why, for he gave his son, so I could be an angel in the sky. I wish I could be there to wipe away your tears. But I am up here with Jesus now. And in some future year, we will all be together, and there will be no more tears. And we will get to know each other just like we wanted to. But for now, just know I love you. And Jesus loves you too. My Father here in Heaven wathces over me for you.
When does it get easier? When do I stop questioning everything, and accept that our Heavenly Father took our little miracle for a reason? When do I stop being angry and just accept that I wasn't meant to have him on Earth? I was used in the Lord's plan, yet I feel so selfish because I am the one who wanted him!
The babies turned 3 months yesterday, and it has been 3 months today since our baby boy left us.
Dear Mommy,
I know how much you love me, And I know how much you care. I know you are still wishing that I were still there. I know this day is hard for you, And I know you will probally cry, And God knows your hurting too, he understands just why, for he gave his son, so I could be an angel in the sky. I wish I could be there to wipe away your tears. But I am up here with Jesus now. And in some future year, we will all be together, and there will be no more tears. And we will get to know each other just like we wanted to. But for now, just know I love you. And Jesus loves you too. My Father here in Heaven wathces over me for you.
I love you little man!!!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Candle Lighting
Hi Guys!!
I was reading my cousin's blog, and my other cousin had found a website in support of her for people who have had children pass on at any age. This year there is a candle lighting ceremony to be held on Saturday, December 14th. The goal is to light a beautiful candle in memory of the person/person's lost at 7:00 pm (local time) to create a wave of white light that can be viewd from heaven. Check out the site: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/News_Events/Worldwide_Candle_Lighting.aspx
I am mustering up the strength to write about my beautiful baby boy and I think that this may just get the ball rolling. So, if you wouldn't mind, just light a candle in honor of Ryder James and Brenda.
Last night, actually this morning, at 3:30 I was changing London's diaper when I peered into the corner at Ryder's balloon.
Let me back up...Shanna, Will, and kids brought us an "It's a Girl," and "It's a Boy," balloon on the night that the babies were born, London's balloon went down in a flash, but Ryder's is still full of helium and floating in the corner of our room....Ironic or what?
So, it's my little reminder of him and I kiss it all the time and actually talk to it. Some might call me crazy, and well if you saw me talking to a balloon you might feel the same way, but it is my little piece of sanity to know that he is floating around and watching over us as we sleep, and laugh at me as I do silly things like shake a bottle without a lid on it at 4:00 in the morning.
Okay, back to my story...I peered into the corner to see a little boy in the corner with his balloon. As I realized that it was Ryder, London began to smile and almost giggle. I actually woke Brian up to tell him that Ryder was in our room, I think he thought I was crazy, or maybe he thought he was dreaming...either way I know what I saw. (Note: I am typing super fast because I am so excited to tell this story). As London nursed she kept choking and giggling. She hasn't laughed, she hasn't ever even smiled more that just gas, and here she is giggling. Ryder, I have determined is a little prankster, and he thought it was funny to play with his sister and keep his mommy up all night!!!
Anyways, I think about that little man all the time...I cry all the time, and some may say, "She looks so strong." And I just reply, "If only you knew."
Please light a candle for one hour on Saturday, maybe even send me a picture of it lit so that I can post how many people love him, and put it in a scrapbook for London! I would love it, and it would mean so much!
I was reading my cousin's blog, and my other cousin had found a website in support of her for people who have had children pass on at any age. This year there is a candle lighting ceremony to be held on Saturday, December 14th. The goal is to light a beautiful candle in memory of the person/person's lost at 7:00 pm (local time) to create a wave of white light that can be viewd from heaven. Check out the site: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/News_Events/Worldwide_Candle_Lighting.aspx
I am mustering up the strength to write about my beautiful baby boy and I think that this may just get the ball rolling. So, if you wouldn't mind, just light a candle in honor of Ryder James and Brenda.
Last night, actually this morning, at 3:30 I was changing London's diaper when I peered into the corner at Ryder's balloon.
Let me back up...Shanna, Will, and kids brought us an "It's a Girl," and "It's a Boy," balloon on the night that the babies were born, London's balloon went down in a flash, but Ryder's is still full of helium and floating in the corner of our room....Ironic or what?
So, it's my little reminder of him and I kiss it all the time and actually talk to it. Some might call me crazy, and well if you saw me talking to a balloon you might feel the same way, but it is my little piece of sanity to know that he is floating around and watching over us as we sleep, and laugh at me as I do silly things like shake a bottle without a lid on it at 4:00 in the morning.
Okay, back to my story...I peered into the corner to see a little boy in the corner with his balloon. As I realized that it was Ryder, London began to smile and almost giggle. I actually woke Brian up to tell him that Ryder was in our room, I think he thought I was crazy, or maybe he thought he was dreaming...either way I know what I saw. (Note: I am typing super fast because I am so excited to tell this story). As London nursed she kept choking and giggling. She hasn't laughed, she hasn't ever even smiled more that just gas, and here she is giggling. Ryder, I have determined is a little prankster, and he thought it was funny to play with his sister and keep his mommy up all night!!!
Anyways, I think about that little man all the time...I cry all the time, and some may say, "She looks so strong." And I just reply, "If only you knew."
Please light a candle for one hour on Saturday, maybe even send me a picture of it lit so that I can post how many people love him, and put it in a scrapbook for London! I would love it, and it would mean so much!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
London's 2 Months!!
First and foremost, please say a prayer for my cousin Brenda, who passed away last night from leukemia. She passed on exactly 2 months from the day Ryder did and almost to the same hour. She passed at 9:55 and he parsed at 11:45, I am confident that she is with him and taking care of him until I can get there.
On a lighter note, London turned 2 months on Thursday, and she is the cutest bug that I have ever seen!!!
Monday, November 24, 2008
A Few London Photos
Since Brian is playing with the baby, I thought that I would post a couple London pictures from today.
She had to have another eye test done today (the joys of having a premature baby). They had to put retractors in her eyes and swab them, then look to make sure that the vessels that connect to the retina are growing the way that they should be...and so far so good.
So I thought that for our first outing out of the house together today that I would get her all fancied up!
What do you think of my angel??!?!?!?
She had to have another eye test done today (the joys of having a premature baby). They had to put retractors in her eyes and swab them, then look to make sure that the vessels that connect to the retina are growing the way that they should be...and so far so good.
So I thought that for our first outing out of the house together today that I would get her all fancied up!
What do you think of my angel??!?!?!?
**Darby and Daddy Date Night**
So...I deserve the "Step-Mom of the Year Award"...NOT!!!!
On the 22nd the Father Daughter Ball was supposed to be Daddy and Darby date night, but I just thought like the silly individual that I am that they could just get tickets at the door. To my surprise however there were no tickets available and a waiting list a mile long the night before the dance.
I stressed to even tell Brian and let him bribe his way at the door, and act as though I didn't know. That wouldn't work, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself.
I put an ad on Craigslist thinking that someone may see it, and offered $100 stinking dollars for two tickets...No luck!
So, I broke the news to Brian, and he in turn had to break Darby's heart. I felt awful...so we compromised. Brian took Darby on a date to Bricks (NOTE: Brian and I have yet to go to Bricks together), and to a movie. So she got all dressed up in her Ball dress and I did her hair fancy, and off to dinner and a movie they went!
She felt like a princess and got some much needed Daddy-Darby time!
On the 22nd the Father Daughter Ball was supposed to be Daddy and Darby date night, but I just thought like the silly individual that I am that they could just get tickets at the door. To my surprise however there were no tickets available and a waiting list a mile long the night before the dance.
I stressed to even tell Brian and let him bribe his way at the door, and act as though I didn't know. That wouldn't work, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself.
I put an ad on Craigslist thinking that someone may see it, and offered $100 stinking dollars for two tickets...No luck!
So, I broke the news to Brian, and he in turn had to break Darby's heart. I felt awful...so we compromised. Brian took Darby on a date to Bricks (NOTE: Brian and I have yet to go to Bricks together), and to a movie. So she got all dressed up in her Ball dress and I did her hair fancy, and off to dinner and a movie they went!
She felt like a princess and got some much needed Daddy-Darby time!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Welcome Home London
Ironically enough London made her grand debut in our driveway at 12:08 pm today...the same time that she was born 6 weeks and 4 days ago!!! Welcome home baby girl!!!
Monday, November 17, 2008
London is Coming Home!!!
We have great news...London gets to come home on Wednesday!!!
If all goes well (she continues to eat all of her bottles), we will have a new baby keeping us awake all night long in just a few days. She passed her carseat test today, 4 pounds 4 1/2 ounces is totally adorable all snuggled up in a carseat.
She is also eating 40 cc's every 3 hours, she just has to keep it up. Tomorrow night we are scheduled to "room-in" with her at the hospital, just like we would after having a term baby. Then I actually get to prance out of the hospital with her.
Can you believe how much she has grown?!?!?!?!?
She loves to be naked!
If only feeding her was as easy as it looks!
If all goes well (she continues to eat all of her bottles), we will have a new baby keeping us awake all night long in just a few days. She passed her carseat test today, 4 pounds 4 1/2 ounces is totally adorable all snuggled up in a carseat.
She is also eating 40 cc's every 3 hours, she just has to keep it up. Tomorrow night we are scheduled to "room-in" with her at the hospital, just like we would after having a term baby. Then I actually get to prance out of the hospital with her.
Can you believe how much she has grown?!?!?!?!?
This is her new "big girl" bed...I decorated it :-)
For Halloween London was a Ghost!
She is so cute after her baths!
She loves to be naked!If only feeding her was as easy as it looks!This was her carseat challenge today!
Friday, October 24, 2008
London's First Bath
So, bathing a 2 pound 14 ounce baby was not exactly an easy task. Her nurse taught me how to do it last night, but I am a little scared. I freaked out because they had to take all of her leads off of her in order to do it, and I was completely convinced that she was going to BRADY (when her brain forgets to tell her heart to continue to beat), and she was going to SAT (her oxygen saturation drops below 85%)...see you learn something on my blog :-) But she didn't, and it went as smooth as pie!!!
So...Daddy held her oxygen by her face, and Mommy got to listen to the wonderful nurse, so that next time I can do it all on my own!
It was Daddy's turn to hold her last night and she was wide awake and making lots of fun faces for him!!!
Monday, October 20, 2008
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Sunday, October 19, 2008
I know that some of you know of our recent news, but for the few of you who do not know...
On October 4th I went into labor around 1 in the morning. I was sound asleep and thought that I had wet my pants since I had such a weak bladder during pregnancy, then it happened again around 2:30, and again around 4:30 only then did I realize that my water had broken. We rushed to the hospital, and they tried everything to stop my labor, but with no luck London Helene and Ryder James were born at 12:08 and 12:09 pm.
London was born first weighing in at 2 lbs 6 oz and Ryder second at 2 lbs 9 oz.Ryder left us on October 5th at 11:45, after only 34 short hours, and London is still in the NICU at Saint Mary's.
Ryder's services were on Tuesday, and were absolutely beautiful, and we feel so blessed that he was in our lives for even such a short time. I was blessed to give him what he needed to progress on, and he will be forever loved and missed everytime I see another little boy. London is our strength through this all, and we get to see him grow inside of her everyday.
Please keep her in your prayers, and we pray she will be home with us in only 8 more weeks. Here are a few pictures of my little angel!!
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