**Darby Turns 9**

As the days go on the kids get older, sad story, but a true one. Darby this year has had three complete days of birthdays.

Friday, November 30th, she was glowing off to school with cupcakes, and of course her "Birthday Girl" sash so that everyone knew that it was Her day.

After school we met my parents at PF Changs for an early birthday dinner. Darby opened her gifts from Brian and I since Brian had to work during Darby's party on Saturday.

The boys especially enjoyed themselves.

We save the best for last...Darby finally got her very own American Girl doll, Julie, and she looks almost identical to her except she has brown eyes.


And of course she finished off dinner with The Great Wall of Chocolate.

Look forward to her actual birthday party post at Girly Girl USA.

The Infamous Dr. F.

10:15 this morning my heart raced, my palms were sweating, and I was ready for a change of clothes after the anticipation of this morning's appointment.

As I sit here at 4:30 in the afternoon, while Brian is at work, I have had a complete breakdown after today. I ask myself so many times why is it that we are not in control of something that we should be in control of? Why do you try for years to not do something, but when the time is right every external being and situation takes what you thought was in your control and throws it out the window? I sit here and say to myself "YOU ARE NO LONGER IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE!"

After waiting for 30 minutes we are called back, "Courtney and Brian, Dr. F. will see you now." We walk down a hallway, which seems miles long, into a nicely organized office with beautiful leather chairs. I am upset with Brian, as he becomes more nervous he makes silly jokes that I am not in the mood to handle. Shannon comes in to wish us luck with Dr. F., and tells us that he is reading my file right now.

Dr. F.walks into his office as though we own it, knocking on the door, and graciously introducing himself to us. He begins by asking us if we know what we are doing, yadda yadda, and explains how the IVF cycle works. He then drills me candidly regarding my medical past.

He tells me what the infection of my previous surgery did to my reproductive organs, the endometriosis is severe and regardless of whether or not my partner had a vasectomy, I would still be looking at him to have a child in the future. I have known for a few years now that my chances of conception normally were slim to none, but to look at a fertility doctor, a notarized guru in the area of reproduction, with credentials that I cannot even begin to fathom; I am now staring at the ultimate truth.

With my husband sitting next to me, he can tell I am hearing too much. "We continue on with what we will be doing in the study, with a follow-up of your blood tests will begin on the second day of your next menstrual cycle, and it appears that you should be starting any day." Here we are jumping in with both feet, and with Dr. F.'s calculations we have a 60% chance of being pregnant by the beginning of February.

So here we are, this big secret, and the only thing I can tell is my blog!

I hope and pray this is everything and more than I could have ever expected.

Secrets...Secrets...Secrets

Well, since no one knows about this blog, my secret is safely kept...that is until we are ready to let the cat out of the bag, and then you all can read it from day one.

The end of October marked a pivotal moment in both mine and Brian's lives. It was that day my doctor said to us if we wanted to have children, we needed to start now, time was not on our side. Brian and I took that information out the door that day and with somber tones in our voices we realized that our options were so limited.

Option 1: In Vitro Fertilization - This option was the one that for both of us seemed to work in our heads, but financially speaking, how where we going to come up with the $20,000 + in order to do this in the time frame needed to do it?

Option 2: Sperm Donation - This option seemed cost effective to at least "Try" to get pregnant, but we both decided that we couldn't bare to raise a child that wasn't both of ours.

Option 3: Adoption - Adoption agencies in the USA will not allow you to adopt if you have 2 biological children, and agencies outside of the country require marriage of at least 2 years.

Our options seemed to be dwindling away, but we still had hope. I prayed every night that Brian's vasectomy would just grow back together, and that I would someday be able to go to him to say "Honey we are pregnant!"

When Brian and I were in the baby stages of our relationship it was never denied that I wanted to be a mother, he and I both decided that if we continued down the path of marriage, he would be selfish to not allow me to experience something he values and cherishes so much. We both knew that eventually we would have a child together, but didn't realize that we would be faced with making the decision so soon.

On Halloween night a phone call was received from our dear friend Shannon, who is a nurse Practitioner for the fertility clinic here. She gave Brian the news that Progesterone is doing a clinical trial and they are looking for 10-12 women nationwide to try this new drug out on, and was wondering if we would consider being one of the couples to try this. We are in the baby stages of In-Vitro at no cost to us, other than the costs of having a baby.

I have my first appointment tomorrow morning, and can't wait to begin this trip into motherhood. I prayed to God every night and every day that I would be a great mom if he would just allow me the opportunity. With my prayers, God has given me this opportunity, this baby will truly be a Child of God!

I look forward to updating this with fun news all the time!