Holy Cow...A Blog Post

It has not just been a while, it has been years since I posted a new post, however at 2:15 am with the inability to sleep I feel that I must just update everyone on this crazy thing we call life.

I sit here 30 weeks and 3 days pregnant with our 3rd baby only to realize that at this time of my last pregnancy I was 2 hours into the grieving process of losing Ryder, and holding onto hope that London would pull through it all. I have rarely spoken about the night of Ryder's actual death to anyone other than my counselor and Brian.

I left the hospital after he died about an hour after I held him for the first and last time to go home to tell everyone what had just happened. As I look at the clock now I realize that I was on my way back to check in to go and take pictures with London just in case she didn't make it through the night too. I remember telling Brian "no tears, I want these to be happy pictures." I look back at the pictures and think, these were not happy pictures, these were the "get the job done" pictures...I just laugh to myself now. It's amazing how much time heals all wounds, but has a great way of opening up new ones in places you never thought possible.

BabyGirl has been through an incomprehensible amount of testing, poking and prodding in the past few weeks. She has asymmetric intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR). We found this out last week at my regular perinatologist appointment. At the time my doctor told me that we would just monitor her though non stress tests, and continue to check her weight. Her stomach isn't growing as it should be, which tells them she is not getting the nutrients that she needs, and her liver is falling behind in growth. At her appointment she was only 2 pounds 9 ounces (exactly what Ryder weighed at birth) and in the 8th percentile...anything under the 10th percentile is considered IUGR.

If her exact weight wasn't hard enough for me to swallow last Tuesday morning, we learned today that there is not a constant supply of blood going from her placenta to her umbilical cord where she is receiving her nutrients. In so many terms when her heart beats it pushes blood through, but when it contracts the bloodflow almost stops. The Dr. told me that we aren't alarmed yet, however when (when I ask...yes when) the bloodflow stops on the contraction part of the heartbeat he will then hospitalize me. This most likely leads to the blood actually flowing backwards on the contraction of the heart, at which time they will take the baby within 3-5 days.

I'm not exactly sure what to think, say or do...all that I know is that I am incapable of talking about it, so here it is for the world to see and read about :-) So...I will go back to hanging out on my left side, counting kicks every 3 hours, and eat 70 grams of protein a day...yes 70 grams. So if any of you have some creative ideas on how to get 70 grams a day into a diet without wanting to puke by the end of the day I'm all ears!!!

Until next time!!!